30.09.2020 - Welcomes and First Impressions

Welcomes and First Impressions 

Overcoming Those First Day Jitters...

Monday 7th September, 2020. It's 8 in the morning and I've ventured round to my big sisters house. Listening my youngest niece (aged 3) natter away to me about how her imaginary friends ( LilyandLiyla, all one word, do NOT get it wrong she says) will help her make lots and lots of new friends at her 'Big Girl School'. This will be her first glimpse of formal education, and much like the thousands of other individuals, from nursery all the way up to degree level, her main concern is how she will make friends, and fundamentally, 'fit in'. As all of us walk to school (three in total), the elder two share with me similar anxieties about going back to school after what has been one of the most turbulent years of our lifetime. I begin to realize that even at 25, as I start the final year of my BA, I too, cannot seem to avoid those 'First Day Jitters'.

As the days draw closer I am stressing about everything that I could possibly ever stress about. I'm really good at worrying. Making sure I have absolutely ALL the correct equipment, pens, notebooks, folders, the correct log in details, the correct timetable, the list is endless. I am (of course) dealing with all of these concerns internally, not allowing close friends or family to worry about my state of worry, and I am (of course) convincing myself that I, out of all of those starting back at school, college, university, or work, am the ONLY person worrying about all of these minor factors. Which, of course, is not the case at all. 

'You are convincing yourself that your thoughts are facts'. I say this to myself as I stare blankly at the computer screen after exhausting all efforts to find out all the answers to my many questions on my own. I've been convincing myself up until this point that I am not ready for this program. That it is well beyond my reach in terms of what I can do, what I can bring and ultimately what I can achieve. All because I don't 'feel' as prepared as I 'should' feel. And because I don't feel prepared, I therefore am not  and so should give up before even getting my foot in the door. What I need is support, and so, like my niece confessing her anxieties, I turn to a support system of mine for some advice, my dad. 

Within minutes, together we have found the email to my Professor and he is helping me construct an email asking for some guidance, and within two days I am sat on a Skype session with Adesola, who effortlessly guides me through all of the concerns and questions I had, and was trying to attempt on my own. When we say our goodbyes, I am left with a huge sense of relief and calm. It is only at this point that I had realize that I had created the 'First Day Jitters' entirely on my own. I had allowed my thoughts to manifest into something that was never really there, I had imagined the worst case scenario and believed that it was going to happen. 

Whether we would like to admit it or not, challenge and change provides us all with some form of stress, it is an innate reaction designed to keep us safe (and alive), but stress can also prevent us from ever progressing or achieving more than we already have. I decided to take on this challenge because at the time of applying I had the upmost confidence in my ability and faith in myself, no one could have told me that I couldn't achieve what I wanted to. I could take on this challenge because I had already worked hard to achieve the credits to apply, and the University considered me worthy of accepting my application. So why now, the week I was due to start this challenge was I convincing myself to quit? I had forgotten how I had 'felt' a year ago when I applied, I'd also forgotten how I 'felt' the day I was accepted onto the course, I'd forgotten that I had support systems in the forms of friends and family and my professor and I was more concerned that people would view me negatively for asking for support, so I struggled silently. 

Naturally I am glad that I was able to realize this prior to quitting, I now have evidence I can look back on if I find myself in a similar position at any point during the BAPP course. Among all this, I have learnt the importance of connecting with others, both personally and with those on my course, as together we go through this journey, and I very much look forward to the many frantic-late-night-emails and  'I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING' subject headers that I'm confident we'll share with each other. 

As I begin to progress into Module One and looking into what my Practice consists of, I will be trying to remind myself more regularly that although I am creating my own understanding and producing my own work, the learning and discussions with my classmates throughout the course is what will make this entire experience so enriching. 

Thank you for reading!                                             

Maebh